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Saturday, April 18, 2009

5 Ways To Effectively Mock Barack Obama

5. In your best Obama intonation, say, "They SAID we couldn't... [insert ridiculous or entirely commonplace happening here]..."yes, we can." e.g. "They said we couldn't eat crunchy peanut butter on our PB+ J sandwiches...yes, we can."
4. Show up at the White House and declare that you are making a citizens' arrest of Timothy Geithner. [4A. Rob a convenience store and demand a Cabinet post. Not really; I'm just saying.]
3. Sneak into the Oval Office while he's there, sit in the chair across from him and simply say, "Joe Biden? Seriously?"
2. Send him 7 hours of audio, solely comprised of John McCain's laugh.
1. Make an obscene amount of money, claim a huge tax write-off, and give the rest to a Catholic family charity.
One of my noblest and closest mates, Timothy Butler, urges me to rethink my tacit support of Brandy's line, "I'm young but I'm wise enough to know that you don't fall in love overnight." I began by defending it on the grounds that love at first sight is 1) uncommon, and 2) unwise. Both he and another interlocutor stated in sum that I ought not judge those who have experienced it, and that pre-emptively deciding that it was unwise creates a self-fulfilling prophecy. I note and accept Butler's conterexamples from history and literature, but I offer this counterpoint: The moral/cultural situation in which love at first sight was permitted, and even encouraged is light-years from our situation today. The song also having been born in that same context, it is a profound testimony to the pain created by the folly of love at first sight. Though I will concede that the next line may vindicate Butler: "That's why I thought if I took my time, that everything in love would be right." So, the patient approach, we will learn, did not succeed either. But I would remind the gentle reader that the success of this concept is judged in mutuality; unrequited love at first sight is nothing to celebrate. So, given our context, I maintain that love at first sight is impossible. It is not foreclosed by simply making the claim, as though by declaring it foolish, we assure its impossibility; rather, we expect to know more about those we aim to marry than before. An instantaneous mutual physical attraction ordinarily was bounded by religious and societal morality. To act on that reality in an unmarried state was fornication and lust. In the West, we demanded that such inclinations be subordinated for the sake of the gospel of Christ, and the good of society. But today, sex is no longer the reward for marital co-laboring; it is generally a first step in an uneasy journey as people amble toward some mysterious abiding affection they can only hope lasts their whole lives (which it rarely does). We still call that abiding affection "love," but now it remains almost entirely disconnected from sex. In such a case, where the ideal state of love can't even be defined, where sex is not even a defining mark anymore, it is both impossible and unwise to say, "love at first sight."

Confession time: I have a modified version of one-way love at first sight in my experience. I say 'modified' because we were acquainted (with little or no attraction) and lost touch. When we ran into one another again, it was as if lightning had struck me. (Yes, I still think of you, K.) But so long as we bow to the twin gods of Compatibility and Self-Fulfillment, love at first sight is the stuff of fairy tales.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Five Signs You May Be a Trekkie:

5. You woke up wondering what the stardate was.

4. You enjoy drawing pictures of the USS Enterprise in all its incarnations.

3. You know the Trek rationale for why there were two pilot episodes.

2. Your last hopeless situation caused you to shout, "Kobayashi Maru!"

1. You own a phone that looks like the Enterprise.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Five Signs You May Be Called to Preach:

5. You think the nation's political leaders would be better served by reading and writing laws in Koine Greek.
4. You say, "There's a lesson in that" every time you watch sports, and your name is not Bob Costas.
3. The word "cheesy" has utterly no meaning to you.
2. You say "we" every time you pray, even when you're alone.
1. You have more books than friends.