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Friday, March 05, 2010

5 Things To Do When Dealing With A 2 Week Cold

5. Make yourself Tussin mojitos.

4. Re-enact humorous cold medicine commercials, like the one where the large man says, "You've got to feed a cold!" while holding up the 6 foot long hoagie.

3. Shorten your sentences, and avoid certain words that trigger coughing spells.

2. Nervously wonder if the instruction about taking a cough drop every two hours is more like a guideline.

1. Blame Obama.

Monday, March 01, 2010

5 Random, Disconnected Thoughts For Today

5. Methinks I have no game, dude.

4. Tim, are we eating pizza tomorrow?!

3. Jamie, give me a call Friday, man.

2. No, I will not mix my milk and cookies; that's just wrong.

1. I would pay money to hear Bob Costas announce a funeral.

P.S. Side Rant: Does anyone realize that hip-hop and R&B are not the same thing? And that today's commercial hip-hop sucks? I mean, truly epically shameful? Are the A&R dudes at record labels even paying attention? Is anyone buying the crap on the Top 40 radio now? The '90s were awesome for R&B and Soul. Even the repetitive throw-away songs were good. And the phase maybe lasted into '02. There were rapper cameos back then, but we understood that it was a dance track or something. Not to mention that people actually rhymed words back then. Now, everything is Ghetto. If you sing a song now, you are either: 1) White, 2) Gay, or 3) Country. Even Robin Thicke can't do a whole album without some hip-hop fake jumping in. People actually ask me, they dare laugh when I say I'm a little stuck on Lionel Richie and Babyface. Geez, hip-hop is so bad I want Puff Daddy back. Yes, Puff Daddy. Not P-Diddy or whatever Sean Combs is calling himself these days. Someone has even kidnapped Usher and turned him into a ghetto-bot. He wants us to like this, when he knows $%#! well that his best song in 5 years is this. They didn't even release it as a single, and it hit the top 20. Are you listening? Matter of fact, no, this is the truth: you have to earn the right to have a ghetto-edge. Alicia Keys has earned it with songs like this. Look me in the face and tell me you won't listen to that in 30 years. Really what this is about is the horrid mixing of genres to the detriment of both. Rap is beautiful and incisive by itself; Soul, the same. But this Frankenstein monster "hip-hop" will be the death of me.

Sunday, February 28, 2010

5 Thoughts On A US Gold Medal In 4-Man Bobsled

5. Really? No offense fellas, but I need to see the tape.

4. Who kidnapped the Germans?

3. Who slashed the tires of the Austrians on the way to the event?

2. Was it under "First team down free of life-threatening injuries wins" rules?

1. I definitely want to see the team collective "Oh, snap! I think we actually won the bobsled" Face.

Post-Script Rant: I saw something on a major non-left political blog saying, "Since Obama is uncofortable with American exceptionalism, would he have preferred the bronze?" First thought: I question the premise. President Obama is the living, breathing epitome of American exceptionalism. The whole campaign was one long commercial about how his achievement of becoming president (and his life before this) would not be possible elsewhere. Were all those mocking criticisms of his 'soaring' rhetoric hollow lies? Only a person who believes the reality of American exceptionalism can win on it. You can argue that his policies make us less than exceptional; you can argue that he doesn't love America as much as you do. But, in point of fact, I detect that some are frustrated that a man whose policies (or even personality) they detest has bested them, as I wrote that Obama knows "how to translate American exceptionalism into liberal-ese, if you will." The candidate who projects a hopeful confidence wins every single time. Instead of mocking him for "Hope and Change," figure out how a winning strategy came to rest on a non-existent army of Hillary Clinton supporters (!) and grumpy old white men, who apparently just realized that black people can vote. In order to demonstrate the GOP's understanding that its policies must appeal to all people in a fresh, foward-looking way, they nominated...a grumpy old white man, who wouldn't know optimism if it walked up and shook his hand in between the glass of prune juice, and the morning shouting match. Look, I ain't a progressive, pinko-commie anything. But you can't do if you don't win. And if you can't lay off Obama during an Olympic bobsled race, for cryin' out loud, I feel sorry for you. Now quiet down; you sound like a McCain supporter.