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Friday, March 02, 2012

5 Thoughts For Today

5. Until today, I had only heard of Miles Davis. I love you, Spotify.

4. If Romney wins Ohio, it's over. Please wake me up in 2016. We can't win with this Massachussetts Communist as our nominee.

3. I'm not voting for this guy. Just so you know.

2. Newt, drop out. You can't win. It's Santorum or doom.

1. I shall drink a fizzy beverage, and like it.

Thursday, March 01, 2012

My family was watching 'The Bachelor' the other evening; I could get judgmental about it and talk about the culture going to Hell in a handbasket, but in truth, I watched the whole season last time. Brad & Emily. You could see it coming a mile away. It was adorable! She had lost her fiance in a tragic plane crash while pregnant with her now 5 year old daughter. Well, naturally, it didn't work out and Emily will be the next 'Bachelorette.' If you've never seen either of these two shows, our protagonist is presented with 25 members of the opposite sex, whittling them down a few at a time until the final show, whereupon the protagonist proposes. Anyway, one of the things that makes me uncomfortable (other that dating and proposing on national TV) is that right before the finale, the contestants are invited in turn to spend the evening alone with our star in the 'Fantasy Suite.' One aspect of this is that it's away from the cameras for the first time. It also allows people to fornicate if they wish. The other uncomfortable thing is all the making out. I said out loud, "There's no way I could kiss three different people like that." And it got me thinking: How would this show be different if JK were the Bachelor?
Well, you could kiss your bikinis goodbye. It's definitely not that I don't like them, but you know. I don't think we need to have a drinking party before every decision of who stays and goes. Maybe every other one.
Going to Mass would definitely be part of the group dates. So would baseball games. No cattiness. You're getting sent home if you swear more than I do. If you're smarter than me, don't throw it in my face. If you're not, don't act like you are. I hope you have at least shoulder-length hair. No "progressives." But I repeat myself. Don't wear too much make-up. In fact, A No Make-Up Day will probably happen. Not so I can see your faces, but so I can see how you react. I want to see your music collection. I reserve the right to judge you based upon this. You'll do better if you read books. If you're vegetarian, you'd better be really awesome. I'm not vegetarian, so that needs to be OK. I'm a nerd. It's better if you are, too. Obviously, there will be no Fantasy Suite. If I kiss you, you're going to win. In fact, I'm not sure I will at the end. I haven't decided. I like it. Let's make it happen! [Will there be Protestant girls on the show?--ed.] Sure, but they would absolutely know in advance what would be expected of them, should they become my wife and remain Protestant.

Monday, February 27, 2012

To certain enthusiastic Lutherans: This is the substance of what I was trying to say today. Have we indeed reached a point when--irrespective of doubts about doctrinal development--the principal doctrinal dispute at the time of the Reformation has been resolved...in favor of the Catholic Church? I beg pardon if my manner of expression lacks a certain nicety common to the diplomats. Nevertheless, the point holds.

Sunday, February 26, 2012

5 Sweet Santorum Slogans

5. Santorum. Because it sounds like a semi-obscure European ski town.

4. Santorum. Because we haven't had a Rick this cool since "Jessie's Girl."

3. Santorum. Sorry, Newt. The jokes are too easy.

2. Santorum. Because if I wanted a nice-looking guy to spout meaningless slogans, I'd vote for Obama.

1. Santorum. He's wrong on trade, but he's right about not killing people for no good reason.