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Saturday, September 12, 2015

This Isn't Actually Hard

I read one of those stupid millennial dating articles from a woman. Of course it didn't work out. I don't even know where to start. I could be just too old for this stuff, but I can solve your problems in 2 easy steps. Ready?

1. Don't have sex with him. It's not entirely true that all we want is sex, but the worst parts of us do, at the wrong times, and for the wrong reasons. If you want to know what a man is made of, tell him the pot of gold is at the end of the marriage rainbow, and not before. If he gets mean about this, run. If he moves heaven and earth just to watch you fail a pottery class, actually enjoys watching your shows no matter how stupid, and generally forgets other women exist, it could be good.

2. Don't live together. I know everybody says the opposite; everybody is wrong. Ask old married people what the secret is. I'll bet this is one. There is no incentive for a man to pledge his whole self if he's playing house already. When you're not sexy anymore, or too annoying, etc. he's out the door. How obvious does this need to be, before there is a widespread re-thinking? You can't really coax a man into marriage. If you do, he may resent you. Even if it seems to work, you don't get from "It's just a piece of paper" to, "Mom and Dad are celebrating 60 years!" You just don't.

I get it; you don't care for the religious doctrine lurking underneath what I'm saying. Fine. Believe or disbelieve whatever you want. If you want to try something different, try this. What is there to lose? "Serial monogamy" sounds like a new daytime soap to replace "Passions" on NBC. How's that working out for you?

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