Safe Haven

Who can switch to Dolly Parton from Guns 'N Roses without a thought? JK can! Anyway, I ate at the fancy-pants Eurocafe where my brother serves. I admit it, it was awesome. I got a chicken piandini pizza, whatever that means. I met Greg's new girlfriend. She's foxy in a "Too Bad You're Not Catholic" sort of way. She said she gave up on church, whatever that means. She's funny and very nice. She only swears occasionally, and I don't think she minds that I am quite observant. Oh, and she's Republican! No wonder he didn't think it was long-term. Commie. Her name's Maureen. [What is she, 85?--ed.] No, jerk. We had a good time chatting about how I've gone from, "I'd rather vote for Santorum's kitty-cat than you" to, "How many times do you want the lawn mowed, Mr. Romney?" Apparently, Greg had never heard that Obama and the old Democratic Congress spent more money in a year than that paragon of fiscal virtue, Geo...

I should probably have a category for people I disagree with that I read all the time/find mildly annoying/capable of sending me into a sputtering rage without the love of Christ guiding me. Rachel Held Evans is joining that informal list, where she joins such luminaries as Dr. Anthony Bradley, Geraldine Ferraro (RIP), Robert Wright, Al Gore, and others. Her blog is nearly always interesting and provocative, and I have enjoyed many recent posts. I have always liked how she skewers/critiques/snipes at evangelical culture. I can appreciate the discovery that evangelicalism has a lot of holes and blind-spots; I sympathize, because it does. Heck, it's a word no one can define, anyway. It's like trying to hug fog, or hit The Greatest when he was young. You can't use words you can't define, or at least you ought not. Anyway, is she anywhere close to sure that she knows the definitions of the words she uses in the linked post? I'm not. If she wanted to probe my attitude...

The irritating part of the Catholic Church's claim to be the church Christ founded is that she doesn't say, "Here's our delightful best guess about matters of faith and morals, and we'll take our place among the family of churches." She says, "This is the Church." She's happy to show the proof, but she doesn't back down. I was so used to doctrinal relativity and plurality that I couldn't grasp the entirety of what she was saying, and even when I did, I wondered how people could believe such things. But for the sake of intellectual honesty, I set aside the presumption that the leaders I followed HAD to be correct. I figured if the Catholic Church would make such strong claims, she had to have evidence. If it was false, that, again, would be pretty obvious. But it isn't. In fact, before I had submitted to the Catholic Church as that which Christ founded, I was forced to concede that the claim itself is reasonable. More than reasonable....

5 More Snark Nuggets 5. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't baptize him in the name of the Trinity. 4. I have enjoyed this wide-ranging and idiosyncratic conversation about your political philosophy derived from a graphic novel, and I wish you well in your fruitful apostolate as a blithering idiot. 3. I'm no expert, but I don't think "the spirit of Vatican II" is supposed to make the liturgy look like a Kool and the Gang video. 2. I'm just thinking out loud here, but maybe extraordinary ministers of Communion should be male so we're not tempted to ask for their phone numbers after Mass. 1. Again, I'm no biblical scholar, but if your recessional hymn during Easter sounds like a funeral dirge, you've missed the point.

5 Delicious Snark-Nuggets For May 5. If I'm supposed to keep my Rosaries off your ovaries, keep your dictates off my prelates. 4. It's Biden we're deridin'     But there's Confession for backslidin'     From the bishop you been hidin'     That long black train you've been ridin'     Will wreck eventually. 3. There really is no polite way to say, "You're headed straight for Hell," but it may be true in any one case. 2. Dare I say it, but "Do we have a valid Eucharist?" is a more important question than, "Do we have a youth group?" 1. I don't care if you like Def Leppard, and that you value "community," if you're not sent from the Apostles, kindly button your face. Furthermore, I'd like to introduce you to my hot single friend, "RCIA." She's very persuasive.

I just realized what I'm called to be in this world: I want to be the next Andy Rooney. [You want to be a joyless liberal hack who's on TV way too long?--ed.] Um, no. Well not the 'joyless liberal hack' part. Do you realize still that the funniest book we ever read was Andy Rooney? Back in 1999. At the St. Louis Community College library. Back when that girl from grade school was still attractive (no offense) and I briefly considered lifting the "ban"? Ahem. Nevermind. The point is, life is either horribly sad, or completely ridiculous, and someone should say so. [No in between?--ed.] Not really. What is the greatest thing to happen in the entire universe, ever? "while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." (I'm including Christ's glorious resurrection in that.) Given the fact that every single person born after the first sin and the first sinners themselves would be on a bullet train straight to Hell apart from the mercy of God, and that...