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5 Signs You Might Be Lonely

5. You converse with a deflated volleyball named "Wilson."

4. You listen to "Jamie" by Weezer three consecutive times.

3. Prior to that, you listen to "Perfect Situation," noting how true the lyrics really are.

2. You listen to "Creep" by Radiohead, forgetting entirely that you hate Radiohead.

1. You shamelessly top it off with this.

P.S. Side Rant: You know what's wrong with rock today? It's overpopulated with metrosexual whiners. Teenagers used to get mad at stuff. They used (not very long ago) to scare their parents with crunching guitars and in-your-face lyrics. Now, all parents are scared of is Johnny either killing himself, or sinking into a giant vat of nihilistic mental goop from which he never emerges. The antipathy toward electric guitars is emblematic of the whole thing. Wimpy. Ambivalent. Feminine. (Which, I would note, is fine...if you're a woman.) Anybody remember Rage Against the Machine? They're stupid commies, but at least they have a pulse. Now, all I'm going to get is some dude overly enamored with xylophones and techno or something. You know who you are.

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