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The Top 5 Dumbest Things I've Heard Since I Started 'The Quest'

5. "I care about the Bible. I don't care about church history." I don't even know where to start.

4. "Nobody has it all right." Well, then how do you know Jesus is God, or that He rose from the dead? How agnostic do you want to be?

3. "Do you really want to join the Church that gave us the Crusades?" No, not really. But I'll take Thomas Aquinas, Chesterton, Ratzinger, Wojtyla, and Mother Theresa. Yahtzee! Or Gin. Or something.

2. "Repeal Trent, and I'm there." First off, most of you haven't even read the thing. Second, this can't possibly happen. As I recall, we asked for an ecumenical council. This is it. What now? Furthermore, in Catholic theology, asking the Church to repudiate an ecumenical council is like asking the sun to rise in the west. Added bonus: Who made you who said this the Arbiter of All Christian Doctrine?

1. "Luther wasn't trying to leave the Church, only reform it." Really? Did you talk with him Putin-Bush style? How do you know this is true? Even if it is, how would Luther know he wasn't working for Beelzebub? (unwittingly) No offense. "I'll take Erasmus for the block, Tom."

Excited, Shamelessly Selfish Christmas Side-Rant: I stand to get some pretty sweet gifts this year. But even cooler than NBA Jam for the Wii, (one of the top 3 best basketball video games ever) I heard that Hollywood Squares for the Wii is out, and it's cheap. If you grew up in the 1980s or 1990s, you recognize this show as one of the most underrated game shows of all time. D-list celebrities? Check. Off-color humor? Check. Tom Bergeron? Check. Also known as "Tic-Tac-Toe With Jobless Actors and Comedians." Wait, I just described Match Game. Or Dancing With The Stars. Speaking of Dancing, Tom makes that better, too. I figured it out how I feel about Brooke Burke. How can I say this nicely? Burke as the other co-host is like black licorice: It (she) looks nice, but I totally regret the experience. I remind myself of this when I wonder if I am a completely incorrigible pig who needs to star in the re-boot of "Shallow Hal."

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