The Holy Hour
My friend Bryan Cross invited me to a Carmelite monastery where the consecrated host was in the room with us. I cannot say exactly what I believe concerning this; I neither am neither a believer or disbeliever. What I did sense was the nearness of Jesus Christ; it was to him I desired to bring my petitions; it was his peace with which I left. I held in my mind's eye the Canaanite woman; I sensed somehow that I was her. In one sense, this is risible. Part of me knows that I am part of the household of faith. And yet, I wonder if, by ignorance and an accident of history, I lack a fullness of Christ that he wishes to give. Thom told me that most conversions or other radical changes he has seen when people are "crazy for God" flow from fear. I have kept watch on my thoughts in this direction, and on balance, I would say that I have felt not fear but Love. I lacked nothing before this began. But I wished to know, if the primary means of growth in the Christian life are humility and dependence (and at no point can we say we have arrived--until death or His return) what can we be certain of? Another great man taught me to preface nearly everything important with, "At this point in my understanding..." in recognition of our finitude. What is the "core" of the gospel, given the fact that only the proudest of us in the Protestant world would dare put forward our confessional stance as the last word on the gospel? But I was with Christ. I told him that I longed to believe in him without hesitation or questions; if I may, without footnotes. Shall I disdain that faith at once so simple as to be understood by children, yet confound great men? What have I gained by believing Christ is not so near as some suppose? What have I gained by dissenting from the great fathers of the past? We cannot charge them with complicity in those deeds that later provoked our separation. We have been foolish to think this special adoration was the cause. He seems to be offering me plainly Himself, like in John 6. Do I have the courage to receive Him?
I saw Him on the cross. I got lost in the place; I lost all sense of time. We say we have guarded his glory. But is He not even more glorious dwelling in the midst of His people? Have I magnified Jesus, or have I asked him to leave my town?
I savored the silence; I felt far away from trouble. It was concluded, and to pay my respect, I actually looked up, as I had been in my position of bowing since I came in. We stopped at the holy water. I wanted to remember the strength He gave me. I dipped my left hand in the water and crossed myself. We went into the stillness knowing that, in spite of everything, Christ was our King.
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