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5 Pieces of Advice For President Obama (Political)

5. Give the Republicans everything they want on the domestic policy front, while issuing cheap, symbolic, rhetorical slams from here until November, 2012. Among your true believers, you'll be a spineless, unprincipled worm, but in winning presidential politics, it's called, "pivoting."

4. Maybe hiring another dude from Chicago as your next Chief of Staff wasn't the best way to dispel the opinion on the right that your real talent lies in cronyism. If you absolutely owe him a favor, bury him (in the bureaucracy, that is) somewhere with a ton of money. I won't say a word, Mr. President. I'm here for you.

3. Because Iraq has already said that the end of 2011 will be the end of our combat mission there, definitely do keep this promise. Your left flank called; they wanted to know where you are keeping Anti-War Candidate Obama. Moreover, does anyone even know what the *&@! we are actually doing in Afghanistan? I don't know if our troops know how to say, "Pointless Narco-War" in Arabic, but someone does.

2. Do your level-best to encourage US policy toward Israel in the direction of your opponents' perception of it--somewhere between indifferent and hostile. We're getting hosed on this deal, anyway. However, if they want to bomb Iran, you didn't see anything and you know nothing. On the other hand, I'd tell South Korea to have a nice life. Not your problem. Give them the, "We're Cutting The Defense Budget To Save The Country And My Job" Face. They secretly don't like us or our military bases, anyhow.

1. FIRE the Keynsians!!! Pete's sake, sir. You are either the most ideologically blinded president since FDR, or you're getting bad advice. In either case, you're bleeping Barack Obama. You could be the most dedicated supply-sider since Jack Kemp, and your party can't say a word, because A) it'll work, B) you're black (identity politics and all) and C) if you don't, Hillary will stab you in the back. But we'll see how good a primary challenge she runs when the economy is hopping, and unemployment is 5% percent again. Just trust me.

BONUS: END ABORTION. Somewhere down deep, you know you're totally wrong on this. As with anything, it's never too late to start over. Besides, politically, if you joined the pro-life cause, you'd ruin the Republicans for 75 years. How does "Greatest President Ever" sound? Seriously. Just think about it.

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