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This Is Hard

I read this today. I think I was able to actually do this finally maybe 2 weeks ago, but I read this, and it brought me back to The Painful Thing, at least the echo of it. So I wanted to be sure. I have probably confessed the sin of my anger over it at least 5 times. I never wished any harm on anybody; I can say that with a clear conscience. Yet we all know when we are really angry and hurt and we're not sure what would come out of our mouths, should that person call or visit.

I have serious abandonment issues, because of some things that happened before. And something tripped a wire. I lashed out; I got possessive and jealous, and I said more than I should, at the very least. I'm not trying to make an excuse here, but there it is. And my friend said goodbye. And I couldn't even take it back. That made the feelings worse. I asked the Lord to take my life, so terrible was the pain and loss. It really hurt that the last thing she said was basically, "All the good in you that I saw, I was wrong about."

I let it go. She doesn't know those wounds I was carrying; I didn't even really know how deep they went. The silence sometimes cut them deeper. It's not like she was really gone; I heard those words every time I was reminded.

I forgive you. I miss you. I hope everything is OK.

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