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Unfiltered Thoughts

The title is a fair warning that this will not be a happy post. I looked up "ennui" in the dictionary. It doesn't mean what I thought it meant. It doesn't describe what I'm feeling. I'm not bored; I'm angry. I'm angry that I'm not necessary. I'm not needed by anyone, for anything. I'm angry that 80% of the people that are like me--with a physical disability--aren't working. In this meat grinder of a society, where we judge people by what they do, use them up, and toss them aside, I'm not even one of the disposables. I have 2 degrees, and I nearly got a third. I'd like to think I'm fairly intelligent, with something to offer. But we don't treat disabled people with respect in this society; we don't even treat them like poster children. We treat them like posters. Something to look at, while we celebrate ourselves.

And another group of you, who go on about making a Catholic and Christian society, I've got something for you. Anything truly Catholic and Christian makes space for people to do something, something that makes them feel like they contribute to the world around them. Everyone wants this, and everyone wants to do this. Don't you dare go on about how "inspiring" I am. You pat me on the head, and send me home to wait on the scraps of your alleged generosity, while you have the clueless audacity to wonder why I can't just "get a job" like everyone else. And all the while sitting in your comfortable perch from which--barring some disaster--you will never be dislodged.

No, ennui is not the right word. I care passionately about many things, not least of which is the outcome of my own life. I am not just an object. I am a man, like any other, with real thoughts and feelings. Take the measure of your own words; would you use them toward anyone but me? Dare you to act surprised, when I do not simply accept the "comfortable" place you have assigned for me?

I am literally--yet metaphorically--just a man shouting into the ether. But I do it nonetheless. At the moment, it seems to beat screaming in someone's face.
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