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Opposites: Prayer And Pride

"No, we are not as strong/As we think we are." So said Rich Mullins. And he was more right than we care to admit. I was in a jam. A rut. It wasn't going to sound like a nun's confession, OK? It's been said that hearing the confessions of nuns is like being stoned with popcorn.

Have you ever said, "God, I don't want to need you as much as I do?" Pride goeth, and all that. And that's stupid. I also heard that communion with God is our greatest happiness. You know how it is, though. Sometimes, prayer fills our deepest longings, or so it seems. Other times, it's just a thing on a checklist. You hear a little voice that says, "Don't worry about it. You're doing well. Take a break."

I'm one of those people who wants to be strong. In control. In charge. I was not in control as I sat before the Lord's priest. Ironically, the biggest thing I have learned since I was received into the Church is that I am nothing. Every time I hear someone say that the Catholic Church practices a religion of self-effort, I just want to laugh in his or her face. Ha! Come in and find out. Are you kidding? True enough to say that we don't believe the exaltation of Christ requires the negation of self. Ah, but you do find out that self isn't much to write home about. Self needs grace, or self is doomed.

I don't know what I thought would happen, but I'm one of those people who really despises himself, in a way. There is always a part of me who thinks I will land in Hell on a technicality. I know there are no technicalities in God's case, but you still wonder.

He heard my words, and he put his hand on my shoulder. The one who is in persona Christi put his hand on my shoulder. Christ put his hand on my shoulder. Do you still want to know why we confess to a priest?

I don't want to need you as much as I do, but I'll take it if you are offering, Jesus. "My one defense/my righteousness/O God, how I need You!"

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