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Let Me Talk About Suicide

 Unfortunately, I can’t say I haven’t ever thought about it. September 14, 2019 was possibly the worst night of my life. I literally thought, “I need to make sure that I don’t have too many pharmaceuticals in here, because I don’t trust myself right now.”

What was odd and hard about that was that I’m possibly the most optimistic person I’ve ever met. I’ve been through really hard things. REALLY hard things. But that stuff about stressors is not BS; I had given everything, and it blew up in my face. For those few hours, I didn’t know what the point of my life was. On the other hand, I knew what it was, and I gave myself permission to be really sad, and I believed that if I could see the sun the next day, I would be fine. I was meeting Bryan Cross the next day, and we were going to Kentucky that day to hear Wendell Berry. I have lived the luckiest life. I truly have.

I had to give myself instructions out loud to do things, though I lived alone. “Brush your teeth.” “Flip that switch.” “Go to the window.”

If I am honest, I didn’t feel happy again for 6 months. I faked it. There was only danger that one night, but I was really sad, until the pandemic. I know that’s insane. But the cloud didn’t lift until March, 2020.

Far be it from me to question the Church’s teaching on mortal sin (CCC, 1858-1861), of which suicide could be one, depending upon the circumstances. But I have personal experience with those feelings, and I have to say that I understand why so many people say that this special case isn’t as clear cut as we might have thought in the past.

I also have no idea if my thoughts that night would qualify as “ideation” clinically, but I have to question the notion that someone has to be deeply sad for a long time. I wasn’t sad for long. It was a BIG and quick stressor. Thank God literally for every second. Seconds can count. I know they did for me.

Check on your friends. And if you think about it—even seriously—you’re not a weak failure; you’re just human. And I have seriously thought of becoming a counselor, so this thing could happen to anyone. By the way, you have freedom, but I understand why people say it’s not a great idea to keep guns in your house.

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